It's been awhile...

So I haven't been on this site for quite some time.  Wow.  It took me a couple of minutes just to figure out exactly how to post again...  anyhow.  I'm here to vent again.  This seems to be the best way to go about that......... so here goes...

UUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Ahh, that's better.  Let's  play a mind association game to show what my life is like right about now.

Work:  SUCK.  suck the life out of me.  Makes me want to cry and vomit all at the same time as wanting to punch a wall.

Friends:  Scarse.  I'm lonely.

Love:  Bull shit.  Once again..... I'm lonely.

Home:  What home?  My parents house?  I'm freaking 24 and back living at home.  Need I say more???...

Alone:  Tears.

Frustration:  Run.  It's the only thing that gets my aggression out lately.  I just want to run.  Clear my head...

Life:  Independent.  If I don't take care of ME, no one will.  Not even a little bit.

So let me ask you this?  What exactly seems to be my purpose lately?  Breathing.  Waking up each day and doing whatever it takes to make it to the end of the day just to go back to sleep.  Alone.  Breathing.

On a side note:  Just because you suddenly realize that you miss me, doesn't mean I suddenly care again.  Buzz off.

Thanx Jaymin for the note!  It was really good to get some "real mail"!  I hope that you're at ReFuel or at least Refuge this year..... I miss u!!!!

Kimzipan-

I find myself needing to vent again.

While I was in Indiana visiting Kimmieboo this last time, I had a long chat with Andy.  In this "chat"  we discussed how I spread my concern and love too broadly and thinly.  In other words... I need to stop caring about so many darn people.  I realized that the reason why I can't commit to a guy and give him my love is because I'm running out of love to give.  yanno?  sounds cliche but it's for real... I'm so busy worrying about everyone I've ever met in my life, and wanting to hang out with all 90 of my old friends (who don't really give a crap about me) that I don't have time to want to be with just one person.

Man I'm a mess.

So, I decided then and there that it was time to start narrowing down the amount of people that I care about.  Well... not that I care about, but whom I would do anything for if they were to call and ask for something.  Over the last month or so, I have also been trying to deal with some "Unfinished business".  In other words, I'm trying to clean up some of the crap that I've made for myself over the last 23 years.  Trying to go back and face issues that you ran away from years ago is really REALLY hard.  Especially when it deals directly with other people.  However, I know it's something I have to do.

So, I just want to say this:  I no longer am the person who you can call at 4 am to come bail you out of jail just because we were friends once upon a time.  I am no longer the person who wants to spend 3 hours listening to you cry when we haven't talked in over a year.  I am NO LONGER the person who you can pick up and drop whenever you are in between girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands...  Am I am certainly no longer the person whose emotions you can play on just to get something out of me. 

I'M NOT HER ANYMORE.  It's time for me to really appreciate the people in my life who appreciate me.  I can't keep caring about a whole mess of people who don't give two rips about me when I'm depressed or alone and hurting... Or when I'm crying myself to sleep.  If any of those situations above partain to you, then you're a sucky friend and I'm done caring.

Time for me to start looking out for number one.  No one else will take care of me... this is now soo painfully obvious.  It's time I take care of myself.

The End.

As much as I love Christmas... it always reminds those of us who aren't in a relationship of what we're missing.  Don't get me wrong... TOTALLY still not ready for anything serious... so not ready for Mr. Perfect... if he exists.  Just saying.  Can't Christmas get a little more "single friendly".  Sheesh. 

Anyways... I haven't written here in a LONG long time.  Had my heart broken.. yet again.  Lost even more of the friends who I thought would be there til the end.  Having a rough time remembering when people actually truly cared about me.  I mean, it's still nice to get a "Merry Christmas" text message... but doesn't any one ever actually call and say "Hey, it's Christmas.  I love you and hope you are doing alright!"

On the other hand... my friend ship with 3 of the best people EVER have grown sooo much stronger.  Friendships have returned to me, and friendships over distance have grown into a special sisterly bond.  I am fortunate.  I know that. 

I guess the real question is.  Does/can a heart truly ever get over the breaks and pain... and see past all of it toward what can really be out there?  Sometimes... I just wonder if I'll ever trust someone with my heart again.  I've had the opportunity... but I always remember a few of the guys who who broke my heart without even knowing it.  The guys who I never dated... but always wanted to be able to tell them exactly how I feel.

Another question... When someone's heart isn't over someone else, is it wrong for you to tell them how much you care for them?  You see... I really cared about someone a few years back.  Problem was... they were still extremely hung up on their ex... So I kept quiet.  Was the best friend I could be.  Was there for them whenever they needed a hug, or someone to come and be with them when they needed to cry.  But instead of them getting over the ex, they just moved on to someone else.  Did I wait too long?  Should I have taken the chance and potentially become the 'rebound girl'?  Uh... i'm so confused.  What does it matter now anyways........................

I'M STILL HERE PEOPLE!  I'M STILL HERE!!!

Once again, here I am at work.  I haven't had a chance to talk to very many people lately... So I hope everyone is doing well.  Work is being really annoying... it feels like all I ever do is work or sleep anymore.  I'm sure you're all shocked.  These 12 hour shifts are kicking me hard in the tookis if you know what I mean.

Anyways, nothing much new other than that is going on... yanno, cuz I have no life other than this job.  lol... whateva.  Amy's wedding is coming up soon, so I'm excited about that..........  And... that's all I can think of to post about.  Sorry!